So I went to Qatar in 2019...
... and ended up playing a football match against the country's youth champions.
‘I once, by pure chance, played a football match against the three-time Qatar youth champions’
I know it sounds like something that Bob Mortimer would read off a card during an episode of ‘Would I Lie to You?’, but I assure you that when all the deliberation was finished and votes had been cast, the big screen behind my head would flash up and declare it to be true.
I think firstly I need to provide both some context and a summation of the events that led up to the battle of the titans.
For my undergraduate degree, I attended UCFB Wembley, which was deemed a ‘Football University’, this will be an important detail later in the story so keep that in mind.
I studied International Football Business, which basically involved learning a lot about the stuff that happens off the pitch, as opposed to on it, sometimes on a global scale.
Anyway, as my third year rolled around in 2019, I was granted a unique opportunity; I was invited to go to Qatar and be shown around the current infrastructure that was in place for the 2022 World Cup.
Before I continue, this is the part where I go if anyone wants me to write anything about my time there for their publication, hit me up.
So, there is the answer to your first question of why I was in Qatar, now you probably want to know how did I end up playing the youth champions of the country.
The day started like any other, we woke up in our 5-star hotel… not because we were posh but because our guide reliably informed us that no hotel in the country was below a 5-star standard (when you look on Google now you see that was an exaggeration but still, I’m not complaining).
As we had throughout the week, we had breakfast before all piling into a minibus to go to a pre-arranged meeting.
I still have great memories of the time we spent on that minibus, despite the fact we nearly boiled to death whilst in it on multiple occasions. We went in January, so in the ‘colder’ months, but as people attending the World Cup will find it doesn’t mean you should bring your parka; the average temperature is still around 25 degrees (though I swear on one of the days it hit 30).
Furthermore, although a monorail/easy transportation system was in the pipeline, we were stuck with the bus and like any road-based vehicle trying to make its way into the city at 9 am, we ended up in continuous traffic jams.
Anyway, back to the story.
Throughout the week we met with members of Paris Saint-Germain’s marketing team, the Qatar FA and even representatives from the Supreme Committee.
There was an air of Richard Attenborough’s performance as John Hammond about the proceedings as the tagline seemed to be ‘We spared no expense’. They spoke about how the stadiums had been constructed with air-conditioning built into them, powered by solar energy, and were built from scratch etc. etc.
It was all very impressive, but the bright and shiny spectacle cast a very worrying shadow.
There had been reports throughout the early 2010s about how Qatar had mistreated migrant workers and the deaths involved in the construction of their stadiums, but around 2019 these started to ramp up.
I personally remember two memorable articles in the Independent and the Guardian, surrounding the latter coming out a few months before I made the journey over to the country.
The issue was addressed once, very early into a tour detailing the infrastructure and how the project had developed over time, where the reports were denied. The rest of the tour then felt like the scene in the UK Office where David Brent states ‘you’re still thinking about the bad news’ as they tried to explain the scale of Qatar 2022 in a jovial tone.
It’s disappointing that this was how they chose to approach the topic, but it was expected nonetheless.
The day of ‘the event’ however was a lot less intensive. We went to see one of the other stadiums, which at this point was still a building site, before returning and going to the Villaggio Mall for lunch.
Ever the connoisseur of World cuisine, I had a KFC and a rather filling one at that (this will also come into play later).
The Villaggio itself is impressive. It has a Venice-style canal system running through the middle of it and an indoor theme park towards the back, alongside several designer stores I definitely could not afford.
After this, we departed for Qatar University.
Now I would like to say that I remember everything about this once-in-a-lifetime peek behind the curtain, I even have a notebook full of notes on my time there, but this particular talk is a blind spot. I do not remember for the life of me what was discussed, though I do remember there were nice biscuits.
As the talk ended, our organiser, a lovely guy called Steve, informed us that the university had arranged for us to have an informal exhibition match with some of the students.
In fact, I specifically remember that he used the phrase ‘kick-around’. A better explanation of what was waiting for us would have been an ambush.
As we walked up the steps to the university arena, in sensible shoes and a few of our group even wearing suit pants, we were not prepared for what awaited us.
Qatar’s Three Time University Champions, in full kit, ready to take us on.
I can never truly describe the sense of fear I felt as I reached the final step and looked down towards the pitch, the realisation that I was about to suffer public embarrassment while acting as a representative of my country. I nearly turned around and walked straight back out.
It didn’t take long for our lecturer to find out what had happened. Basically, the University had been informed that a Football University was coming to visit, and they thought that it meant we were good at playing it.
So, of course, they really wanted to beat us and even had a cameraman ready to document the whole thing.
It seemed that even in Qatar, the patriotism and tribalism we see in English football was present, and if the country wanted to show how ‘football fever’ had gripped their country, then we had a more than fitting example standing right in front of us.
Now luckily, we had former academy players present and a few guys who were actually pretty good, but then you also had people like me, an (at the time) 20-stone lad and also my friend who had a crippled ankle and scoliosis.
None of us really had any football kit to speak of, but luckily the university was kind enough to present us with three pairs of boots and some bibs.
We gave the boots to our striker, a very tall guy called Dan who played semi-professionally, one of our midfielders and an Italian guy called Riccardo who played centre-back.
Compared to the rest of us who were playing in defence, he was like Paolo Maldini. He had an incredible sense of where to position himself on the pitch to cut out attacks and proved to be our saving grace on many occasions.
Our goalkeeper Brad also got some gloves, so I guess that was nice of them.
On the sideline before kick-off, we settled on our tactics: 4-4-2 and park the bus. We weren’t going to set the greatest example of English football but we wanted to win or at least not be embarrassed.
‘No stupid passes, don’t let your man get goalside, communicate’, those were the simple instructions given to us before we were rushed onto the pitch.
The match went as you’d expect, we lost… but only 1-0. We created some chances but they did well to isolate Dan up top and win the ball back without our attacks becoming dangerous.
Some dubious calls by their linesman also made the uphill climb nearly fully vertical (they were offside by nearly two metres for their goal), but I feel we gave a good account of ourselves.
After becoming irate at the poor officiating, our lecturer, who was also acting as our manager, decided to give himself minutes as well, but he would go on to regret that as at one point he tripped and recreated the Boris Johnson rugby tackle on Qatar Uni’s poor unsuspecting centre-back.
Brad and Riccardo were the standouts (a staple of any good siege) and afterwards, some of the lads swapped shirts while we were all presented with commemorative badges, or as they felt like at the time, consolation medals.
It indeed was one of those situations where in a movie or TV Show they’d freeze frame and go ‘yeah that’s me, I guess you’re wondering how I got here’, but it’ll be a memory I hold onto for the rest of my life… but also, an event for which I hope the footage of my performance at left back never surfaces.
However, it is also important that I never forget the circumstances that led me there; the dark side that events like this were designed to make me forget.
It feels weird to have such a unique and happy memory tainted in such a way, but I guess that will be the same for any fan journeying to Qatar to watch the World Cup.
That’s the issue with sports washing, or at least what happens when we don’t allow it to be successful.
So I implore anyone who is travelling to Qatar in November or even watching the competition on TV. Enjoy the moment… but don’t forget what happened to get you there.
As I stated during this newsletter, I am available for freelance work during and in the lead-up to the World Cup, so if you have any paid work going please feel free to drop me a message.
In terms of the newsletter, it’s been a busy few weeks and I apologise for the delay, Argentina is on its way and I’m hoping to have the whole series wrapped up by the time the World Cup kicks off in November (so don’t worry about that).